


and I felt something that is in me change

by clytemnestras



Series: fem february 2016 [5]
Category: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi, Pre-Series, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 09:48:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6112689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clytemnestras/pseuds/clytemnestras
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world is a fiction. She is a fiction. A haze full of dead bodies and cemetery crises.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and I felt something that is in me change

The summer  _ after  _ days get blurry and strange. A sequence of  _ oh, I fell asleep in the bath again,  _ and  _ my hand was on the grill top for a minute before I noticed it was on.  _ The world is a fiction. She is a fiction. A haze full of dead bodies and cemetery crises.

 

_ Last night’s dream: I jumped off the clockface just to feel the wind slice through my hair, just to feel the blood rush to my face just to feel just to feel just to feel something. _

 

Jeremy starts sliding the charcoal drawings under her door on those nights where it’s like suffocating, gasping through the dark and shivering. They swap these things; she writes down the dizzy snapshots of dreams and he gives her the visuals. In another story they would make something; they would hold hands in the publishing house and pitch something; a kid’s book, a comic, maybe. In this story they stand out in the yard one night late as they can manage and throw everything in a trashcan, pour out half a bottle of vodka watch them burn.

 

_ Last night’s dream: I broke my finger shutting it in the car door and I sat there under the tree beside the graves and I pulled every other finger back until they snapped into pieces and I pressed them into the dirt until I blurred all away.  _

 

Two weeks before summer ends Caroline and Bonnie camp out under her duvet and drag her around the house until her legs feel like less like wax. Warm hands strip her down and stand her in the shower, clean her up and make her..  _ make _ her.

 

She blinks slowly. Moves from the bathroom to the bedroom to the den. Mouth moves from “thank you” to swallowing ice cream to swallowing liquor and it burns so nicely that it’s almost worth being able to feel, for the minute. 

 

Bonnie strokes her hair for hours and hours, braids and twists it around her fingers and for one brief and wonderful moment all the way round her throat. When her head drops back onto Bonnie’s lap Caroline crawls over and strokes her cheeks. “I’m sorry”, she says, “I love you”, she says, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

 

They kiss for a longshortawful moment, open mouthed, soft, confused. She shudders and falls apart right there, crying on the floor of her own house and her girls sit there wrapped around her like a breathing armor, holding her pieces together. 

 

_ Last night’s dream: Jenna … Jenna. Oh God, not again please. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Don’t let her get up don’t let the coffin open I’m begging you, please, I’m begging - _

She goes running because the harder she pushes her body the more it feels like her heart might push all the way through her ribs. She doesn’t know she’s in the woods until she stops to breathe. 

 

Tyler is there, watching her. He doesn’t say anything but smiles in that way, in that  _ God fucked me golden  _ way and she doesn’t mean to - no, she does mean to. She kisses him, shoves him against the tree bark until his fingers are scrabbling against it, getting bloody and wrecked. She kisses him until she can’t breathe, can’t feel anything but his dick pressing up through the seam of his jeans and into her belly. She could do it, in that moment she could throw him down and fuck him on the grass just because it felt like the wrong thing. She doesn’t. She takes him home with her instead - it feels better, or worse, with her back pressed into soft sheets, plushies watching her.

 

_ Last night’s dream: I don’t remember. Please just let me forget, this once.  _

 

Matt comes with her, just this one time, to the graveyard. Vicky and Jeremy hang back and hotbox his car whilst the two of them sit in the grass and Elena writes a fictionalised version of the same events. She writes down flowers. She writes down this one moment where Matt says something so perfectly wry that they both sit and laugh and share one soft kiss that they brush off like an old habit. She writes down Jeremy lying, spread out on the grass beside her and lets her fall asleep on his belly so that for just that precious indie-movie moment everyone is together again. 

 

She writes until her fingers are sore and asks Matt to take her home. Day goes on, week goes on.

 

_ Last night’s dream: I ran alongside the traffic and I couldn't tell if I was racing the cars or chasing them asking why they’d swerved around me.  _

 

_ Last night’s dream: I poured all the pill bottles in the house out around me and separated them by colour, shape and size. The  empty glass beside me was like a reminder or an omen and I had no idea which.  _

  
_ Last night’s dream: My life keeps just happening around me. _


End file.
